Skulls, Drafts And Happiness of A Loved One
I have this idea, a psychological trick if you like. Let’s say I finished my day in the office, sat in the car and started to plan what I was going to do when I’d get home. It could be anything, exercising in the garden or going to the gym or anything else. Guess what? It almost never works out. It leads to disappointment and disappointment leads to anger.
This situation bothered me for a long time. What is the point of planning if the plans go down south? I thought for a long time about how to solve this problem. And I did come up with a solution. I stopped planning. Not entirely but now my plans are more like drafts, I am learning to accept that they can change.
I still get trapped by my own naivety sometimes. But I am getting better. My tactic doesn't work when I am tired. When I am tired I forget about the solution of not planning and accepting that anything could happen. When I am tired or in a bad mood I become mentally rigid. Bad habits die last.
Just yesterday I was on the way to the BJJ class and my woman called me and told me that she was not well and I need to go and pick her up from work. At first, I got angry, simmered in the anger for a bit and then remember that plans are plans and they are meant to fail. Nothing is set in stone so why my life should be any different?
I had to go take care of my lady, that’s the deal when you have a family.
Family first, everything else second.
I remind myself that I will be dead one day. I have a skull tattoo on my forearm, it helps me to remember the impermanence (of everything composite). It does not make me sad or depressed, it helps me to work on the realisation and acceptance that one day there will be nothing I knew and the planet will keep spinning. Darius will be gone and the memory of Darius will be gone, as well. (It’s a bit strange to write about myself in the third person).
Of cause, all the above stop applying when I get into a conflict with someone. A la Buddhist approach goes through the window and I am the bull in the middle of a corrida surrounded by red capes. I forget my “holier than thou” approach and my understanding of the suffering of a fellow sentient being and my own mortality. I am ready for war. Fight for your life!
“Fuck this guy”, I say to myself.
And then…. I feel embarrassed. Unless the opponent was wrong. Then, “Fuck this guy”!
In conclusion. We can do whatever we like with our lives, It does not matter. As long as we bring more good days than bad days to the people we care about then life is not totally wasted.
P.S
I am still thinking about a tattoo on my other forearm saying, “You are not getting out of this alive”.
